The Small Green People
by Team Snufkin
Summary: A story I began ages ago, detailing how the gang met. My first Mighty Boosh story. Be nice please. T just in case- references to violence etc
1. Past and Presents

_**Note: So this is one of a few stories I wrote a couple of years ago, and I'm now reviving. Before I couldn't separate this out into chapter to upload (it refused to paste into another document) but I've got it sorted now. So here goes...**_

**THE SMALL GREEN PEOPLE**

_The story of how the gang met each other, and also the Small Green People._

_It reveals (somewhere along the line) why Howard lived in a shed at the zoo, where Vince got his fashion sense, and also the reasons behind Naboo's constant being-stoned-ness._

_DISCLAIMER: The Zooniverse, Howard, Vince, Naboo, Bollo and indeed any characters, and all other stuff related to the Boosh, are not my creations. They belong to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding._

_The Small Green People, if you are interested, belong to no-one but themselves and it cost me a fortune bribing them to appear in this story._

_Anyway, here is the story…_

**Chapter 1- Past and presents.**

Naboo blew the dust off the magic box and prised open the lid. Inside was a collection of equally dusty trinkets. A coloured feather, some loose gemstones, a pendant shaped like an eagle, a bunch of black ribbons all tied together, a green silk bag just the right size to fit in the palm of one's hand, a bundle of silvery twigs, a small bottle of something dark and thick. Naboo rooted through all these until he found what he was looking for: a small scroll.

His shaman CV. He'd need it if he wanted to get a job in the zoo. He had seen it being built in the crystal ball, but didn't know how soon.

The rain lashed against the windows of the café. Howard sighed, and put down the rag and the bottle of disinfectant on the table. He stared out the rain-washed glass at the street outside. Somewhere out there was his dream. That was why he had come to London in the first place, when he was sixteen, to pursue his dream. And here he was, now eighteen years old, scrubbing tables for a living. Before that he had been a bin-man. Before that a jazz musician. They were his happiest days. He had played jazz for a living. Of course, he had had to give up because he wasn't making any money, but still…

"Moon, you're not being paid to stare out the windows all f*****g day!" the voice of the café owner interrupted his reminiscences. Howard sighed, and returned to his scrubbing. Pointless really, as no customers had been in at all today.

Behind him, unnoticed, a Small Green Person sat on the shelf next to the ketchup, smothering her giggles.

It could have been the snarling that woke him, or the shouting. But the moment he was awake, he knew something was wrong. He jumped out of his bed and ran to the window. People in white coats were walking purposefully towards the house.

"Brian!" he called. He was scared. Then he remembered that Brian had left early that morning, before he was awake.

The shouting was getting louder now. He saw that Jahooli was in front of the men, snarling at them. But the men shot him with a dart. He went all weird, and lay down.

Alone, scared, the boy began to think. They had come for him. He had known they would one day. What could he do? Run away. He opened the window and prepared to climb out, unnoticed. But too late. They had seen him.

They began to run. In no time at all they were at the door, and had knocked it down. Bus tickets swirled in the air like blossom.

He backed against the wall, crying out.

"It's all right son," said one of them. He turned to the others. "Boy needs some antibiotics and fast. Flu, malnutrition, wouldn't be surprised if he had bloody rabies an' all."  
He struggled, but two of them were holding him down while a third prepared a needle. He leered over him, his shadow covering the wall.

"Hold still now, and this won't hurt at all."

He couldn't move, could only yell as the needle pierced him. Over his own cries he heard one of them say: "Take him back. He needs to be dealt with. And make sure he never comes back here again."

He was being dragged away from his home, out of the forest. He fought to stay conscious. Lashed out.

"Dear dear, we can't have that." said the voice. A heavy hand hit the side of his head, again and again, and the laughter rang in his ears, mingled with his terrified cries…

This time it was his own scream that woke him up, and he awoke for real. He lay there in the darkness, breathing heavily. Letting the tears flow, letting the silence echo around him.

The tiny figure flew down and landed on his pillow. She whispered words of comfort to him, but Vince could not hear them.

The bell tinkled, and the door opened. Howard looked up. A very short man had just entered, bringing with him a large puddle. He sat down and ordered a coffee. He wore a turban and a blue gown. Howard stared at him. Once the waitress had gone, the man looked at Howard and beckoned him over.

"Howard Moon?"

"How do you know my name?"

" I know everything," replied the Shaman." Naboo, by the way."

"Howard," said Howard, and immediately felt very foolish.

"Have you heard that they're going to build a zoo?" asked Naboo.

"No." replied Howard.

"Well I do. I know everything. Anyway, you need to make sure you get a job there. It's important."

"Why?" asked Howard.

"I don't know," replied Naboo, and disappeared.

The waitress came over with the coffee.

"Where the hell's he gone?" she demanded of Howard.

"I don't know," said Howard, slightly dazed by what had just happened.

"But I bet he does," he added under his breath.

The Small Green people flew to a safe spot- a chimney, to be precise, and held council. They were doing their best, following these three different people. But they hadn't managed to bring them all together yet. They needed to redouble their efforts. After a brief discussion, two of them left to find Naboo. They had a vision to give him.

Naboo was gazing at his crystal ball, but not seeing anything. Probably something to do with the magic mushroom soup he'd had for dinner.

He was just about to give up when strange symbols appeared in the smoke. He read them. "A present from the Small Green People."

Intrigued, he reached into the crystal ball in his mind, and pulled out the gift. It was a vision. He slotted it into his vision player, so he could watch it in better quality. Then he sat back and watched it. There was a man, and a boy, and lots of animals. The man and the boy and the animals were all connected, and the Small Green People were bringing them together.

Hmmm.

In the café, Howard had finished scrubbing the tables and was now mopping the floor. He had had just about enough of this, but he'd heard a rumour that morning that the zoo was beginning to be built. As soon as his shift ended, he'd go and have a look.

The Small Green Person crouched in a cup on the table nodded her head encouragingly. This was better. Now time to give him the present…

Howard picked up his coat as his shift ended, and left. He didn't feel the gift materialize in his pocket.

While this was going on, the rest of the Small Green People were still on the chimney. The chimney happened to be of a children's home. The children's home happened to have children in it. In particular it housed a boy by the name of Vince.

Vince was in his attic bedroom. They had given him an attic bedroom away from the other kids, so he didn't disturb them. They thought he was mad, knowing that he had lived in the forest before he came here and had fits all the time.

He had just finished one of his fits now, a particularly violent one during which he had shouted incoherently and lashed out at the helpers as they tried to restrain him. In his mind he had been reliving, again, the moment they stole him from his home. The helpers had given up trying to calm him down, and had locked his door. Now he was slumped against the wall, tears choking him, neither asleep nor wake. Drained of energy, trapped in his own head.

There was a whistling sound, like wind was coming down the chimney. Cold air filled the already chilly room. Vince shrank into a tighter ball. He sensed that someone was there. It was one of them again, and they were going to stick a needle in him, or ask him questions, or bring him food. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to go home.

There was a cough. Vince looked up. A tiny man was standing in front of him. He had shoulder-length black hair with a turban perched on top. He wore a blue embroidered robe, and was bare-foot.

"Are you Vince?" he asked.

"How do you know my name?" demanded Vince. "Who are you, anyway?"

Naboo saw how thin and ill the kid looked, and how suspicious his tone was.

"I'm Naboo, that's who." he replied. "And I know your name because I know everything."

"You're one of them, aren't you?" cried Vince. "I told them, I'm not mad! I won't let you give me those injections. You can't touch me."

With what seemed to be a tremendous effort he heaved himself up, and backed away, groping for the door-knob. But the door was still locked. He tugged desperately at it, but he was exhausted from his fit and collapsed on the floor, coughing and retching, shuddering, and then going still. Naboo knelt down and rolled him over. He was deathly white, and his lips were as blue as his eyes.

"I'm not one of them," whispered Naboo. "I'm going to help you."

Reluctantly, Vince looked into Naboo's eyes.

"Have you ever seen a Small Green Person?" he asked.

"A what?"

"Look." Naboo pointed up. One of the Small Green People had flown down the chimney, to see if her charge was alright.

"I've seen them in my dreams," Vince said doubtfully. "They whisper to me."

"They're real." said Naboo. "They bring people together, as destiny says. That's how they survive. They are bringing together me and you and someone else. When they give you presents, you are able to see them properly."

"Presents?"

"You'll be getting yours as soon as I go," said Naboo. "Now listen carefully.

I can't promise when I'll be able to get you out of here, but I'll be returning soon. Go to school, act normal. The nightmares will still come, but now you can talk to the Small Green People they can protect you better. How old are you?"  
"Eight." said Vince.

"Then it's been six months since you left the forest. You can talk to animals, right?"

He nodded, wondering where this was going.

"Then go to the zoo."

With that, Naboo vanished. At that exact moment, the Small Green Person gave him his gift.

Vince stared at the spot where Naboo wasn't anymore. He could feel the present seeping into his blood, warming him. A shaman had come to visit him. That was just…

He decided that he just had to get one of those robes, they looked so cool.

So there you are. They have all received their gifts. Naboo got a vision, Vince got fashion sense, and Howard got a something. We'll find out what it is in the next chapter. Or the one after. Or the one after that maybe. Or the one after that…

_**So what do you think people? Is it worth reviving?**_

_**Review please.**_

_**Note: The bold, italic, underlined writing like this is what I'm adding in the present, all other is the notes of myself from two years ago, which I am leaving because they may end up being helpful.**_


	2. The Zooniverse

_Hmm... enjoy this. _

_DISCLAIMER: Belongs to Barrat and Fielding. Never me._

**Chapter 2- The Zooniverse**

The zoo opened in autumn, the next year. It was owned by a bloke called Tommy who liked cheese as much as he liked animals. Howard handed in his notice at the café with little regret, and applied for a job as a zookeeper.

All this time, the Gift was still in his coat pocket. It had survived several washes, a fair amount of crumpling/squashing, and being sat on numerous times. (So all this paragraph has done is prove that Howard hasn't bought a new coat for three years.) Howard had yet to find the Gift, because it was very small. Actually it was colossal, but didn't take up much room.

Anyway, he went for an interview. Tommy listened patiently to Howard's long explanation of how he wanted to do something amazing for the animals and was interested in their wellbeing as much as his own. Then he had given his verdict, and listened impatiently to Howard's explanation that he was practically on the streets, as a failed musician, who couldn't possibly crawl back to café after he had told the owner that he was moving on to bigger and better things than some grotty café and also where to stick his cleaning rota.

This didn't work. The Small Green People were getting quite desperate now. It was important that Howard got a job here, and the great Northern Plank had still not found the present they had given him, and so couldn't see them yet.

Tommy was politely but firmly showing Howard the door. Howard was putting his coat back on and shoving his hands in his pockets. Then he felt the present.

"At last," breathed a Small Green Person.

You must remember that, prior to this, Howard had sort of accidentally sold his soul to the Spirit of Jazz. But now his hand touched his soul, which had been in his coat pocket for the last eighteen months, stolen back by the Small Green People. And the life ran up his fingers, spreading into his blood, through his veins. Pumping through his blood. Reaching his brain and his heart. Washing away those long days slaving away in the café, the long nights spent in squats and bus shelters.

He was alive. He was Howard Moon. He got the job.

"That took a long time," muttered the other Small Green Person, referring to the year and a half it had taken Howard to find his own soul in his back pocket.

Her companion, who had spoken first, nodded.

"Plank."

Naboo got a job at the Zooniverse too, running a little kiosk for information or if you wanted to buy a crappy little souvenir. He confided in Howard that the gorilla Bollo was actually his familiar, hence why he could talk. Well all animals could talk, but he could speak human as well as gorilla. Life was generally quite pleasant. Howard got to know all the individual Small Green People. He grew quite fond of them, although they tended to laugh at his moustache.

--------------------

The years began to go by. After a few years Tommy disappeared. Apparently he fell in the Ocelot pit. The new manager, Bob Fossil, was American. He was brash and slightly dirty. He was also a retard.

It was time for Naboo to pay another visit to the children's home. Both he and Howard had found their presents, so they could communicate with the Small Green People. It was they who told Naboo he should go, and also that he should take Howard. (Not face to face, obviously. They planted the idea in his mind. He knew that it was them of course, as he had received his Gift.)

-----------------------

Howard drove across London in his ancient Camper Van. Naboo had cast a few spells on it so that it wouldn't run out of fuel on the way there. It took several hours to get there. When they arrived, Naboo used magic to teleport him and Howard into the attic. They didn't want anyone else to know they were there, so knocking at the front door was out of the question.

Naboo knocked at the door, and a voice called "Piss off!" he entered. Howard followed.

Howard found himself in a small dingy bedroom which, due to the grey walls and tiny window covered with bars, gave the impression of being a cell as much as a living space.

A teenager was sitting on the bed, packing a suitcase with clothes that he had probably stolen. He looked up at the two people in the doorway.

"Vince this is Howard, Howard this is Vince." said Naboo, breaking the awkward silence.

"I hate you," Vince hissed at Naboo. "All along I said you'd been, and you'd come back for me, and that I wasn't mad. But they didn't believe me." His voice trembled. "They didn't want me, so they tried to find another care home. But none of them would have me. They all said I was too much hassle. And they don't want to keep me here any more."

"Well you must have found somewhere, because you're packing." commented Naboo. "Have you got foster parents or something, or are you running away?"

He remembered how weak Vince had been on his last visit, and doubted he would get further than the end of the street.

"Neither." said Vince. He fixed his gaze upon the wall above Naboo's shoulder and continued, "They're sending me to an asylum."

Nobody spoke. The silence spiralled horribly. The Small Green People flew on it, riding the empty moments, waiting for something to happen.

"Come and work at the zoo." said Howard suddenly.

Vince stared at him.

"Naboo tells me you have a way with animals." he continued. "You're fifteen now, and you're about to be carted off to a mental-home. They will examine you, then lock you up until you stop claiming that the Small Green People are real."

"Of course they're real." interrupted the boy. "They are my friends. They bring me nice clothes, and they talk to me. They like me."

"Of course they're real." repeated Naboo. "But no-one else can see them here. The only way they can live is by enforcing destiny. They've been trying to get us three at the zoo together for years. That way destiny is fulfilled, and they'll be free. If we don't, they'll just die."

Vince's eyes were full of tears. He held out his hand. The Small Green People flew down. There were four of them. One of them landed on his palm.

"I'll go if it helps you." he whispered. "You saved my life."

Howard, who hadn't heard this, continued. "The people at the asylum will be preventing you from fulfilling destiny. The Small Green People will die. They'll think you've stopped believing in them, and you're sane again. They'll send you to school again."

"I haven't been for ages." said Vince. "The teachers would kill me."

"You'd kill yourself." said Naboo. "I'm sorry Vince, but you won't last long. You're close to death now. If you don't come with us, you'll be dead before you've even taken your GCSEs."

Vince was frozen. His eyes seemed to be full of ice.

"GCSEs aren't important." Howard looked right into Vince's eyes, deep into the vivid blue. "What matters is that Destiny is fulfilled."

"What happens if it isn't?" asked Vince.

"Like we've already said", Naboo replied patiently. "The Small Green People will die, and because you didn't come with us so many things will suddenly never happen. You will get put in the asylum. But they drugs they give you to control your fits and stuff are too strong. You are already affected: Your growth is stunted, you're very weak. Your brain has been numbed almost permanently, and another year of this will kill you. As it is you will always be thick."

"No offence." Naboo and Howard said together.

"None taken," said the boy. He stared at his shoes for a short while. Then he looked up. His face more alive than either Howard or Naboo had ever seen.

"When do we go?" he asked.

So there we are. Howard got his soul back and Vince got a job. That pretty much sums it up.

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Please can I take this opportunity to apologise for certain comments I used to have on my profile concerning my disapproval of Howince, and to remind people that, while excercising my freedom of speech, I am not intending to offend aybody. I am merely taking the liberty of having my own views.**_

_**Thankyou.**_

_**Yuk. Formal. I wish I didn't write like that. But I can't help it.**_


	3. The Big Red People

**So here we are. At chapter 3. I have two-ish more chapters floating around, then I'm actually going ti have to write some.**

_DISCLAIMER: I'm not making any money out of this. Just as well really,because what with income tax, legal fees, and bribes, I'd end up in debt._

**Chapter 3- The Big Red People**

Ah, the open road. What more could a man want?

Howard leaned back in the driver's seat. This, surely, was everything you needed in life. No other cars, just you and the open road. The sun almost but not quite fully risen, his flask in the door-pocket, his mints on the dashboard, the potholed and deserted road stretching into the distance.

Perfect.

Howard glanced at Vince, who was asleep in the passenger's seat, his head against the window. Howard's watch displayed 5:30 am. All the early morning commuters would start coming in an hour or so. By that time they would be at the zoo. Howard wound down the window to take a first breath of the crisp morning air, and choked on the fumes coming out of the van's exhaust.

Howard hastily wound up the window again, but was forced to pull over two minutes later, unable to see for the smoke pouring out of the exhaust, and also from under the bonnet.

The van shook as the engine spluttered and retched, as though it were choking like the two passengers. The smoke was really belching out now, and the whole van shook. Howard sighed, and got out. He wished Naboo was here to sort it out by magic. Or, better still, they had just teleported to the zoo instead of taking the two-and-a-half-hour car journey. Or five-hour, in this old wreck.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Vince called out. "What happened?"

His lungs, weakened by his illness and the drugs "they" had given him, could not handle the fumes coming through the driver's door, which Howard had left open. And embarked on a long choking fit which culminated in a rather splendid gurgling noise, a cross between a retch and a hiccup, as Howard leaned in through the open door and thumped him on the back.

"We've broken down again." said Howard, when Vince had finally got his breath

back.

"What do you mean, again?" asked Vince. "How old is this thing?"

Howard chose to ignore the second bit. "We've stopped about a dozen times so far. Whenever lots of smoke comes out-"

"You buy a new one?" Interrupted Vince.

"In theory yes, but my wage packet wouldn't hold a toy model, let alone the real thing."

"Oh." said Vince. "How are you going to fix it then?"

"I have prodigious mechanical skills sir, and I'll have it up and running again in a trice."

"Oh." said Vince again. This would be the first of many times that Howard would tell him that he was really good at something, and wasn't.

Half an hour later, when Howard was covered in grease, rubbing his head where the bonnet had slammed shut on it, thoroughly pissed off, and nowhere nearer to setting off again than he had been thirty minutes ago, he was forced to admit defeat. Several times Vince had asked if he needed a hand, only to be told, in an increasingly strained voice, to leave one to it. Now he wandered round to the front of the vehicle to check on Howard.

"How's it going?" he asked, eying the broken spanner discarded near the wheel and Howard's face.

"Fine, fine," Howard replied airily, praying that Vince was indeed as stupid as Naboo had predicted.

"I believe you." Vince said.

"You do?" Howard dropped his (spare) spanner on his foot in surprise.

"Yeah, I do."

God, the boy must be thick, Howard thought. Oh well, all the better for me.

"Yeah. Why shouldn't I?" Vince began to wander off ahead.

"Where are you going?" Howard called after him.

"Gonna flag down a passing car." Vince replied.

After another half-hour, during which they wondered aloud why there was no traffic as yet (or Howard had, Vince wasn't quite that deep) Howard called Naboo.

Five minutes later he ended the call.

"He's not answering," he said.

"Yeah I guessed that." Vince rolled his eyes. "Now what?"

Howard's mobile rang. It was Naboo.

"Hey, Naboo, I was wondering if you could help us." said Howard before Naboo had a chance to speak. "We're in a bit of trouble."

"Sorry Howard," said Naboo. "I didn't hear my phone, we're on the carpet and the wind is really loud. Where are you?"

"We broke down," said Howard. "Use that locator spell, I can't remember the number of the motorway off hand."

"You're outside?" yelped Naboo. Howard winced and removed the phone from his ear.

"Sorry. You're outside?" repeated Naboo in a much quieter voice. "I tried to warn you a minute ago, but you wouldn't shut up. Me and Bollo were flying to find you, warn you."

Howard's brain seemed to get colder as he listened.

"It's not safe. Overnight the police have issued a warning, telling people to stay indoors. Howard, it's the Big Red People!"

Over the line, a dreadful roar could be heard, and distant screaming. Naboo was yelling, but hardly discernable. "Howard, it's not safe! Get yourselves under cover, and don't-"

The line went dead. Howard just stood still for a moment, staring at nothing, all fear delayed somehow.

Then there was a cry and a snarl, and the panic settled in.

___________________---

Vince had wandered a little way down the deserted motorway, his curiosity getting the better of him. Admittedly, there wasn't much that was curious about a motorway, but then he had been locked in an attic for ages, only coming out to go to school (or not go, as the case may be) or being taken to a hospital. Now, for the first time in almost eight years, he actually had permission to explore (well, Howard hadn't specifically told him not to) and was enjoying the fact that he hadn't just had to squeeze between the bars of a window.

Vince heard a noise behind him. Like a cross between a sink plunger and a motorbike engine. He turned round to see who, or what had made the gurgling roar.

The blood-red beast with spiked wings and the thrashing tail stared back at him through a narrowed, scarlet eye.

Vince began to back slowly away from the Big Red Person, not taking his eyes off it's face.

It began to raise it's tail above it's back like a scorpion-

"Howard…" he whimpered-

-And aimed the gigantic poisonous sting at the terrified teenager.

_Dum dum duuum… _

_Oh come on, everyone likes a cliff-hanger. Well no-one does actually, but it gives me time to think of some blood, gore and good ol' booshy wisecracks for the next chapter. _

_The monsters are coming... mwuhahaha. I think I was watching Doctor Who when I thought of this chapter. I can't remember very well._


	4. War & Bananas

**The below italics are the origional author's notes. I can't delete them because the backspace button is stuck. **

**DISCLAIMER: Again, I don't own the Boosh, and I'm not making any money.**

_Here we are. I've had a think now. Not much laughter or gruesome stuff. That's next chapter. This one is just made of some random ideas of mine. They make good, entertaining reading._

_WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING? IT'S A LOAD OF BULLSH*T!_

**Chapter 4- War and bananas**

The orphanage was quiet. The staff didn't get up for another half-hour. There was no wind, or traffic, nothing. She couldn't even hear the nutter banging about or screaming.

She remembered how, a year or two back, Vince had been caught trying to climb out of his window. The jump could easily have killed the "nutter."

Roxy didn't think Vince was a nutter. He was her heroine, even if he didn't know.

She unhinged her bedroom window, and measured the distance.

Vince was, at this particular moment in time, being scrutinised by a Big Red Person.

The Big Red Person was wondering whether to sting or maim the tasty-looking human in front of him.

Mmm, not very much meat at all. Not worth trying to eat.

All the better to rip it to shreds.

He raised his talon-like claws, and slashed viciously at thin air. The human looked ready to faint. Perfect. Fear was what mattered. He advanced slowly on the human. Hissed. Spat fire. Flexed wings. The human stumbled, fell. Closer, just a bit closer…

The human's blood was slowly dripping off his claws, it's shoulder singed-

Another human came running past, grabbing the smaller one and pulling him to his feet.

The Big Red Person roared, and gave chase.

Howard fled up the deserted motorway, half-dragging Vince along with him. His breath came in short gasps, but he ignored the pain in his chest. What mattered now was getting as far away from that awful Big Red Person as possible.

At last the sounds of it's roaring died away, and Howard pulled Vince around the corner out of the way.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I just got eaten by that thing, and I'm now lying in bits at the bottom of it's stomach." Vince replied sarcastically, clutching his shoulder with a bloody hand.

At that moment, Howard's phone rang again. He answered was Naboo.

"Mind your heads!" said Naboo.

They both looked up, just in time to jump out of the way as a magic carpet went into a vertical dive and landed right where they had been seconds before.

Naboo rolled up the carpet, as he did so introducing the stunned boy to the gorilla who stood next to him.

"Vince this is Bollo, Bollo this is Vince. Bollo is my familiar."

Vince held out his hand, (having been taught to shake with the doctor and smile before he got a large needle stuck up his arse (not literally but as painfully) or whatever) but instead Bollo pulled him into a bone-cracking hug.

"Nice to meet you." he said.

"And you," gasped Vince, massaging his ribs with his other hand.

"Maybe we should put something on that," said Naboo, indicating the burn on Vince's shoulder.

"I've had worse. Once one of the staff at the orphanage lobbed a breeze-block at my head. It didn't miss." He laughed. "I kneed him in the nuts and legged it outside. Then I collapsed in the street and got my legs run over by a taxi. That was fun."

"Doesn't that count as cruelty to children, throwing bricks at them?" asked Howard. "We could get the orphanage done, it sounds like they're breaking dozens of laws, locking kids up and drugging them."

A distant roar echoed through the alley. The Big Red People were around.

"We need some shelter, somewhere where we can barricade ourselves in and think of a plan." Naboo decided.

"I know a place." said Howard, and he led them down the alley onto a street full of shops, but deserted. On the corner was a shabby café, and Howard opened the door.

There were a few people sitting in there, most of whom Howard didn't recognise. But the owner and a woman with nicotine-stained teeth both shuffled over.

"Did you work here?" asked Vince.

"For a bit." said Howard uncomfortably.

"Moon." the owner extended a hand. "How are your "bigger and better things" going?"

The waitress cackled.

"Very well indeed, thanks." said Howard.

Bollo, bored with the cosy chat-up, was putting a couple of tables against the door. A man sitting in the far corner jumped up to help him with the make-shift barricade, possibly for fear that the gorilla would eat him if he didn't.

The half a dozen people in the café now looked at the newcomers, asking for news with their eyes.

"The Big Red People are around." supplied Naboo. "We will all just have to hide in here until they go. Which won't be any time soon."

He sat down on a table and pulled a pipe from under his robes.

"Sorry," said a young blonde waitress, "but what the hell are the Big Red People?"

Naboo blew out a stream of blue smoke and said: "They're the opposite of the Small Green People. They live off destruction. They kill everything entwined in destiny, and the Small Green People help the stuff happen. So you see, the two races are constantly at war."

None of the people in the café looked as though they saw at all.

Howard and Vince, however, knew what he was on about.

"So they undo destiny by murder to exist." Howard summed up.

"Nice." said Vince.

Bollo grunted. "I got a bad feelin' about something'," he began. No doubt his animal senses were picking up trouble, but before he could finish speaking the four newcomers had disappeared.

The people in the café stared at the spot where the man, the boy, the shaman and the gorilla all weren't any more for a few moments. Then a waitress came in.

"Who wanted the frappucino, cos we aint got none."

The man stood up, dragging his wife with him.

"This place is rubbish." he said. "Let's go shelter in McDonalds."

The jungle was calm and peaceful. The only noises were tropical birds singing, and running water in the distance. It was quiet, almost idyllic-looking.

Then in the midst of it, four figures materialized in a heap on top of each other.

Bollo struggled out of the pile and pulled Vince to his feet. "Precious Vince allright?" he asked.

"Yes thanks." said Vince, still doing his be-polite-to-the-nice-man-whos-going-to-shorten-your-life-by-giving-you-drugs thing.

The four of them stared around the clearing they were in, feeling slightly dazed.

"Teleport." explained Naboo as he straightened his turban. "The Small Green People brought us here. Or rather sent us here. They're rather too busy being at war to appear in person."

"Why?" asked Vince.

"That", replied Naboo, "is the million euro question."

"Bollo think weapon here." grunted the gorilla. "Weapon to stop Big Red Ballbags."

"Hurry up" he called as he lumbered off through the trees. "Not much time."

"They put on a time-stop, you prat!" said Naboo as they followed him.

"Here is weapons." announced Bollo half an hour later (or around that, time had been stopped so technically they got there in no time at all), when the four of them emerged from the trees, looking distinctly worse for wear. They were right at the edge of the jungle, which bordered -wait for it- a banana plantation.

"Bananas?" echoed Howard and Vince. They both turned to Naboo. But the Shaman had gone all glassy-eyed and was swaying on the spot.

"Shh," hissed Bollo. "Trance."

Used to trances now, Howard went and sat down on a nearby rock and began to pick twigs out of his hair.

Naboo rotated slowly around on the spot, like a a statue on a wheel. When he faced them again, he grinned and held up a strange device which he certainly hadn't had before. It was yellow and oblong-shaped, with a big red button.

"Big Red People are allergic to something in bananas."

"Then what are you waiting for?" saked Howard. "Lets get picking."

He and Bollo both moved off towards the trees. But the trees were too tall for them, so no way could Naboo or Vince reach.

Naboo pointed this out.

"Magic carpet?" he suggested. "We can fly up by the trees and pick them."

And he proceeded to pull the rolled-up carpet out of an inside pocket of his robes.

"How'd you do that?" asked Vince, wide-eyed. 

Naboo winked. "Bigger on the inside than the outside."


End file.
